January 23, 2003
Had an IM conversation with Shields not too long ago. After not-too-long the topic turned to women, and I mentioned the bad luck vs. subconscious sabotage aspect of things: Is the universe just out to get a person, or is there something in the back of someone's brain that makes him or her fail?
I realized that I should be asking the same question of myself. After all, I don't go out very often and I don't have any real hobbies aside from this site. Granted, there's the whole no-money thing going on in my life right now, but I didn't do anything when I was getting paid on a regular basis either.
It's not like there are things I wouldn't enjoy if I gave them half a chance -- hell, I could probably even enjoy something vaguely like exercise if it were disguised enough. So why don't I? Damned if I know.
Of course, on the rare occasion that I meet a woman I'm still screwed. Due to my asocial tendencies, I either say too much or not enough. By the time I'm comfortable talking to a woman I'm usually trapped dead-center in the Friend Zone, doomed to an apparent eternity of "I just don't think of you that way." Actually, in college I didn't usually have to hear that particular speech, because the girl in question had started dating one of my friends by the time I could string two sentences together without babbling. Obviously not everyone has this particular hang-up; I just can't seem to get around it.
Ordinarily, that's the most maddening thing about my life. But lately it's gotten even worse.
I basically have three criteria for a potential girlfriend: Intelligence, a sense of humor and attractiveness. Actually, just cute will suffice; after all I'm not exactly the pick of the litter here myself. Well, it turns out I know a girl who fits those criteria. I hang out with her fairly often.
Of course, she's happily involved. Married, in fact. It's very... frustrating. (Kinda like the "Intellectual Whore" problem, but not quite -- she's just a good ways away from hubby, not fucking outlaw bikers. The end result is basically the same for me though.)
Fortunately the rational Forebrain is keeping the primitive Reptilian Brain in check pretty well. I'm still not getting any, but at least I'm not making a total ass out of myself. Well, no more so than usual anyway.