July 19, 2005
Angst Über Alles
Every once in a while someone tries to convince me that I'm not a total dickhead. It's nice of them to do, but that doesn't make them right.
This weekend, while learning that Red Bull and vodka is the Devil I got plastered. And for some reason the fact that the Metro trains stop running at a certain time managed to bubble its way to the surface. The person I was out drinking with was celebrating getting engaged, and his other friends had already stopped drinking for the night, so of the original crowd we were the only two left. So I went looking for him, to tell him I was heading out too.
Didn't find him. So I just left. That kind of logic makes sense when you can barely stand.
Now this guy holds his liquor much better than I do, so he was in no danger of any kind. But you don't up and leave without some kind of a warning, and being drunk is not excuse -- I chose to go out and get smashed, so I'm still responsible for what happens as a result. Which means I'm a prick.
Also, in the last week, I got into an argument with someone (I'll spare you the details) that wound up causing big problems for a good friend of mine. I knew going into this argument that that would probably happen, but I felt I couldn't just back down. I wish it hadn't happened like that, but I'm not exactly repentant for it either -- I did what I felt I had to do. But the end result is still the same.
It seems like I've been doing shit like this non-stop for years. I've always been a bit of a flaky drunk, which is part of the reason I don't try to get drunk any more (a strong dislike of puking being the other reason). I've alienated or embarrassed so many people over the years that I'm frankly surprised anyone still talks to me. Most of them seem to have forgiven, or at least forgotten, or maybe just decided to ignore, but for some reason it doesn't really help.
I feel like most of my friendships are one-sided, with me getting most of the good stuff and my friends getting a giant pain in the ass for their trouble. On the one hand, I like to think I'm a better person than that, but on the other hand there's what I actually do. And what I actually do is make like difficult for people. I'm beginning to wonder if it might be better for everyone involved if I just lock myself in my apartment and live like the hermit I'm apparently supposed to be.