"You've been here for six months and you already hate the tourists."
-- Evan, 9/24/2005
"Don't make me bitch-slap you in front of a house of God."
-- Me, 10/23/2004
"I think there's something wrong with me. Going to a strip club shouldn't trigger the MST[3K] portion of my brain."
--Me, at Anthony's; 1/30/2004
"Important Notice... from Habitat for Humanity."
"Unless they're rebuilding this place, it's not that important."
--Htet Htet, Me; 2/1/2003
"It's not that I don't like children. It's just that I don't want them around."
--Me, as the third-floor neighbors' kids were running rampant through the building; 1/31/2003
"The monkey man was in motion."
--At the LJ Meetup; 1/28/2003
"That did it. I don't want to play any more."
--Sean, after I won the football pool the first week I made picks; 11/20/2002
"The only real problem with my golf game is that when I hit the ball I have no idea where the hell it's going."
"When there are two people in the room and I'm the extrovert, there's a problem."
"So you borrow each other's kitchens, each other's computers, and each other's cars. Why don't you just have keys to each
"'Cause I don't want to wind up meeting her husband like: *Knock knock* 'Hi, do I know y--' *THOOMP*"
--Andrew, Me, Andrew (very paraphrased); 9/27/2002
"I'm walking around campus thinking, 'where were all these cute girls when I was here?' Then the logical part of my brain answers,
'junior high, dumbass.'"
"Apparently the trick is to be a hat."
--Me, seeing what the stripper did with Rob's cap; 3/15/2002
"Well, I'm sorry to hear you lost your job, but I'm pleased to know you went Krakatoa on your way out."
> ...but under the circumstances, sooner betas later.
> alright, you deserve a smack for using sed to correct an IM conversation.
> and i deserve one for catching it.
--Me, Me, Dave, Dave, over AOL Instant Messenger; 3/6/2002
"Wheel of Budget
Turn, turn, turn.
Show us the money
That we should earn."
--Me, imitating the Animaniacs' Wheel of Morality; 1/28/2002
"Waffles are like pancakes, except they trap the syrup."
"I've thought that [my car's been stolen] twice. Of course, I was right. I must've been a car thief in a former life."
"Then what the hell was I in a former life, Don Juan?"
--Diane, Me; 8/31/2001
"There's a fine line between laziness and efficiency... in fact, laziness leads to efficiency."
"You may not remember it, but there was an energy crisis in the '70s."
"Yeah, I read about it in History class."
--Nick, Me, Nick; 11/6/2000
"How do you jerk a chicken?"
"I think it's a dry rub."
--Sharon, Keith, discussing Jamaican Jerk chicken wings; 10/10/2000
"There are three reasons not to watch [Prince of Tides]. Two of them are Barbra Streisand."
"What's the other one?"
--Me, Allison, Rob; 7/9/2000
"I just don't like a lot of meat."
"DON'T SAY IT!"
--Vanessa, realizing I was about to make a rude comment about her then-boyfriend; 7/15/1999
"You're not getting any, but at least you're bitter about it."
"I need you to do me a big favor."
"Depends on how big it is."
"There's alcohol involved."
--Eileen, Me, Eileen, Me; 6/21/1999(?)
"Once you realize that BEER MAKES YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE you'll be able to get up the nerve to go down to the end of the bar and talk
to that little hotty you've been ogling all night. Go ahead, have another one; you'll be beautiful before ya know it! BEER MAKES
--from a receipt from Mad Mex in South Oakland, Pittsburgh; 4/25/1998